The Story of Beer - Book of Ale chapter one

1: When the Brewer understood the yeast and that there was a diversity thereof, 2: The brewer did decide that he should first make use of the yeast that lay atop the wort, 3: that which enjoyed warm and temperate clime, and would yield forth what he called "Ale" 4: Ale being the oldest form of beer now known the progenitors not withstanding and shall here after have their own tales.

5: for it came to pass the the brewer did look upon the wort and cast thereto a raft of yeast 6: and the air in the brewery was warm and moist. 7: Behold the brewer was shocked with fright at the froth and foam. 8: He did resist tasting for he had a hunch he was on to something. 9: yea did he lay a cloth across the top of the vessel. 10: for he had cats and dogs and children and all manner of bugs squirrels, snakes, lizards, scorpions, and other denizens of the world within his home.

11; the brewer did watch his solution for many days, 12: but he grew then lazy in his attention and many weeks did pass. 13; when at last the Brewer did espy a feline stalking then a mouse upon the cover he did remember himself. 14: as the cat did leap then so leapt the Brewer, 15; as the rodent was clasped within it's mortal strike, so the cat was upended by the Brewer. As cat and mouse were cast aside they as the almighty had intended, it revealed an Ale unto the Man. 16; for in their grasp they took the cover and the first aroma of Beer was revealed unto the Brewer.

18: flat and dark was this first ale. 19: a tribute to its maker and a gift from on high. 20: the Brewer sampled of it, then sampled again, then drank fully of it's flavor. 21: The brewer raced out into the town and cried "Come my friends it is Beer!"

22: The Men and women of the town turned out and drank deeply of this first and foremost beer. 23: they drank and laughed, and they became one with the spirit as we now call inebriation. 24: They drank and fought and round the town there was much rejoicing. 25 at long last the cask was emptied and they slept.

26: when they woke they wished to seek the brewer, not to help him but to hang him. 27: theirs was the firsrst and therefore the worst and most unexpected of the wrath of beer. 28: to them was given the first hangover. 29: they were naught in amusement and it is only the pain in their heads, 30: and the ache int their gut that prevented the death of the brewer.

31: such was not the lot of the first who did not regret, 32: for him who rose at dawn after drinking deeply, 33: for he who said "good morning neighbor!" 34: there was naught but woe. 35: when the sotted masses had finished with him he was weary of his state. 36: he then said, "what ever you all just need to chill." 37: thus then was the first great hangover concluded.

The Story of Beer, Book of the Brewer

1: In the beginning beer was without form and style and the four Elements of Beer lay within the Brewers hands. 2:Thus he did call them by name: “Water, Grain, Bitter, and Yeast.” And so it was. 3: From that day to this; that all that should be called beer must contain these primal elements of beer or suffer the shame of being called “Malt beverage” or “wine cooler” 4: and the Brewer did gather up these four elements and consider each of them for their own part.

5:In the first part the Brewer did take up Water. 6: He took it from the highest streams and the deepest running currents. 7; He tasted it and found that all waters are not the same. 8: He recognized that water would accept the character and flavor of the minerals and streams and rivers through which it flowed, 9: and he thought to himself, “This is pretty cool”

10: Then did the brewer go unto the stores and look at Grain. 11: corn, wheat, barley, oats, rye. 12: He knew there in lie greatness and yet none would yield 13: he ground them to flour and they were useful for bread. He macerated them with vinegar and found great glue. 14: True was the brewer’s lamenting his state. 15: he was so distraught that he spilled his sodden bags of grain about the floor and went down amongst the cisterns in the catacombs and set a fire. 16: The fire was hot and heated the stone and the cisterns began to steam. 17: so hot the steam that the brewer ran from the house and returned when the heat and steam had subsided to find his grain was not destroyed. 18: And thus was found the gift of Malt.

19 Though the gift of malt was great; the omniscient creator did yet conceal from the brewer the purpose of this gift. 20: soaking brought forth a sweet emulsion and yet it was not enough. 21: one day in his frustration the brewer chewed the malted grain and was amazed at the sweetness therein. 22: He spat the sprouted grain into his hand and gazed upon it and understanding came upon him. 23: he took the malted grain and crushed it between two great dowels of stone and the dust was little more than sugar and husk. 24: and so Grist was revealed unto the Brewer.

25: Then did the brewer return unto his cooking vessels and he chose from all of them the largest.26: And the brewer looked upon the face of the vessel and cast thereto malted barley, and heated the barely water till steam did rise and froth did form. 27: It was in this moment that the brewer did look upon the vessel and said “let there be Mash”, and it was mash. 28: Thus the brewer did taste the mash and did say “It is good; but very; very sweet.” 29: The brewer did also look upon his brew and see hulls and sprouts and broken grain. 30: and the brewer did sieve the liquid from the grain. 31: After the sieve the Brewer did taste of the remaining grain and found it to hold flavor and character as a vise should hold a pin.32: The Brewer was not pleased and devised to take from the remaining grist all the malty blessings that might be there contained. 33: The brewer did repose in the chair of reclination and for a time observe from that space the games of the circus and the amphitheater.

34: It was then that the Brewer decided he needed rest. 35: and the brewer went unto his resting chamber wherein he beheld his beloved who said unto the Brewer, 36: “If thou wouldst lay with me then thou must rinse thy self lest the wayward fruit of your vocation should become as glue within our sheets. 37: and the brewer did suddenly understand his plight and run from the room crying “I shall Sparge!” 38 and His wife remained and sayeth “What the Fuck?”

39: The Brewer did run unto is shop and spend much time therein until he found a way that heated water should fall upon the expended malt. 40 the heated water did strip the malt of all God given sugar and goodness and flavor. 41; Thus unto the Brewer was Wort revealed.

42: and the Brewer to taste of the wart and revel in its flavor and its sweetness. 43: Yet the Brewer understood that so much sweet was not the way of the righteousness. 44: Forever should simple pleasure be tempered with a counter that we might remember the grace of God.  45 Thus did the Brewer seek to embitter his creation that He might not offend that which is truly divine.

46: first then did the brewer try most simple things. 47: bitter herbs and greens were no avail. 48: strong spices pleased the palate yet still yet the taste of sapling sweet prevailed. 48: In London Towne the Brewer tarried thinking he had found a compromise. 49: Yet the hazel hull could not compare to the bitter of the German flower.

50: The noble vine whose flowers gave such bitter glory to a malt. 51: ”bitter shall continence the sweet 52: Then the brewer did draw a sample and tasted thereof and said, “Not bad…”finally the Brewer could cast upon the wort that final sacred living element of beer, “Yeast.” 53: here then would the elixir of beer be defined. 54: Here were the four sacred elements brought together and un-adultered beer quaffed and toasted through the night. 55: the search had been long and a perilous journey which would leave its mark on all Beer.

56: Beer as the Brewer intended was now upon the face of the Tavern. Yet there was more to come. The Brewer would give  much more if we are but willing to taste.

57: Yet we have not spoken of the Yeast. 58:It is because this is one of the first defining elements of a Beer and this was well known unto the Brewer. 59: It is by this basic element of beer we might first define the intricacy of the Brewers gifts. 60: It is by the Yeast that we shall call a beer as one type or another and compare it only to it’s own true taste. 61: We shall judge Ale only as Ale and a Lager only as a Lager. 62: It follows that we should only judge the children of these types according to their own 64: We shall judge an IPA according to other IPA’s and true grain Pilsners against other true Grain Pilsners. 65: Yea even if this meaneth we must proclaim an American Rice Lager, “ A Decent Beer”

66: The Brewer has brought to us a rich diversity of taste and flavor. 67: It is therefore our duty as Beer Drinkers to taste as many of the wondrous variations as we may. 68: That we might better understand the purpose hopes and dreams of the Brewer, 69, and understanding this adds to our pleasure as well as theirs.